Google’s Quantum Chip May Prove the Multiverse Exists — Because Regular Science Wasn’t Impressive Enough

In today’s edition of “Tech Companies Doing Things That Make Us Feel Extra Stupid,” Google has unveiled Willow, a quantum chip that allegedly solves problems so fast it might prove we’re living in a multiverse. Yes, Google — the company that made its billions showing you ads for shoes you thought about buying — is now dabbling in inter-dimensional physics. Because why not?

Let’s break this down for the mere mortals among us: regular computers work in “bits,” little binary switches that are either 1 or 0. Quantum computers like Willow, however, use “qubits,” which are less like a light switch and more like a houseplant you forgot to water — vaguely alive, sort of everywhere, and impossible to understand.

Dr. Hartmut Neven, head of Google’s Quantum AI division, is calling Willow “state-of-the-art.” Translation: it’s expensive, it’s complicated, and there’s no way you’ll ever own one. According to Dr. Neven, Willow managed to solve a problem in under five minutes that would take the fastest supercomputers a mind-melting 10 septillion years. That’s 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years — longer than the age of the universe, your last family road trip, or how long it takes to remember what you put down as your ‘favorite book’ in 2005.

But wait — it gets weirder. Neven claims the only way Willow could perform at these impossible speeds is by accessing parallel universes. That’s right, Willow isn’t just fast — it’s dimensionally ambitious. While you’re struggling to load a YouTube video, Willow’s out here calling in favors from alternate realities like some kind of inter-dimensional middle manager.

For more about Neven: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hartmut_Neven

Now, if the idea of a multiverse sounds familiar, that’s because it’s a favorite theory of physicists and Hollywood screenwriters alike. The concept suggests that there are infinite versions of reality, and somewhere out there is another version of you who’s cooler, richer, and finally figured out how to make sourdough bread. Thanks to Willow, we may finally have “proof” that this is more than just wishful thinking.

Dr. Neven elaborated: “Willow’s performance on this benchmark is astonishing. It performed a computation in under five minutes that would take one of today’s fastest supercomputers 10 septillion years.”

So, what’s the takeaway? According to Google, Willow could revolutionize AI, science, and technology, bringing us closer to answers about the very nature of existence. And, of course, there’s a 99.9% chance this ends up as a new way to show you ads for socks, but now across infinite universes.

Still, it’s comforting — or maybe terrifying — to know that somewhere in the multiverse, another version of you is reading this article. Maybe they’re understanding it better. Maybe they’re laughing harder. Or maybe they’ve already given up and gone back to watching cat videos.

In any case, one thing is clear: while we’re all here trying to figure out why your phone autocorrects “ducking.” Google is out there casually bending the fabric of reality. So, hats off to Willow. Or, as Google might say in the multiverse, “You’re welcome.”

Concerns? Thoughts? Prayers?